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Devotional Tech Artist. Designer. Futurist.

Why is pain an axiom for growth?

published4 months ago
8 min read

Hello Reader,

Fall is here! Everything is dying! Well, at least all the outside things are in various stages of dying here in this part of Northern Arizona's altitude :) I LOVE the changing colors and crispness and it also brings melancholy and certain body memories. “We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are”- Anaïs Nin Part of my biggest growth edge in this life has been how my greatest pain is my greatest gift. As attributed to the Persian poet Rumi, The wound is where the light enters. Before I was able to access the light of these gifts, I had to remove the assholes! A woman named Apple once wisely said to me, "Before you can get out of jail, you have to realize you are in jail!" I was so in jail, that I had no idea how to get out. Pain was what brought the willingness to get help. It was the squealing searing emotional pain of devastation. In 2005 I began actively seeking a type of practices and therapies to help me unravel and cope with this pain.

Some of my earliest childhood imprints allowed me to re-create a relationship from 2002-2007 that was very unhealthy, abusive, if I want to fully name it and not be in denial or niceness. I almost married this man and I almost had a child with him. Luckily, there was a pivotal crossed-roads moment in 2007 and I was able to take the unknown path to graduate school in NYC and pursue my artist dream. Finding the IST (Inner Space Techniques) of the Clairvision School of Meditation brought me to a new level of inner freedom that enabled this life-defining choice.

I have very strong FAWNING tendencies (one of the 4Fs explained below) that I have been working since 2015 to identify and overcome. This relationship brought me the most emotional pain I have experienced and a part of me was screaming out: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE THIS THIS. I did not feel safe to be more vulnerable with this man. I did not understand why my parents, under his charming spell, gave their permission for me to marry such a man. (As I am typing this, Beautiful Chorus is singing I Am Enough in my ears from the random perfectness of the shuffle function.) This is exactly the mantra and melody my 2006 year old self needs to hear!

In 2005 I began my journey into new forms of therapy and education to be able to be released from my unconsciously created jail I was trapped in. Over the years I have learned about the concept of how trauma get stored in the body. Talk therapy did not help me move through my pain. I needed inner techniques that would move me beyond my mind and into my body. Emotional armoring is a concept I first read about from Wilheim Reich. Reich believed that where there is (trauma) emotional repression there is a concomitant protoplasmic contraction in the body. Because this physical tension tends to become chronic with time, binds energy, and constricts the free pulsation of our bodies, it is truly an armor that imprisons us for life.

Another description of this type of energetic charge was described to me in the Clairvision School of Meditation as samskaras and encapsulation of how traumas and emotions become stuck in the body and a technique to release them (IST). From 2006 - 2018 I studied daily/weekly with Clarivision School of Meditation in the curriculum they have outlined. I listened to KT (Knowledge Track) lectures, daily meditation practices, weekly meditation groups and annual courses. I had BIG openings and I cleared out enough pain for my creative vision to open and my art became less auto-biographical and more transpersonal. Perhaps in another newsletter I will describe the part of my journey where I was inspired to build 3D tetrahedron sculptures for future space emigrants.

A Clairvision friend once reflected that I was so shut down to trusting people in my life (I was told I was hard-as-nails as a child), that the agave was the safe non-threatening pathway that reached me. An experience I had with the agave plant was the very beginning inspirational spark of my creative journey over 21 years ago! In 2001 I read a book (I wish I could remember which one) with a meditation that asked to me find a plant in my environment and observe and sit with it. I was drawn to the agave's symmetry and beauty. I was to ask the plant what its gift was for me. The agave said that I needed more PROTECTION in my life. The agave maintains a tender sweet center within its beautiful radial structure of barbed and pointed stalks. These leaves protect it from nectar and water seeking animals. When approaching the agave plant, one must be aware and respectful of this armor. Similarly, we each need love and touch yet also respect and honor. In my own life, as a child I lacked the ability to protect myself. I was violated and consequently I did not learn how to allow others treat me with reverence. My nectar, my center, continued to be handled indiscriminately. My struggle to strike this delicate balance of vulnerability and safety inspired many series of artwork using found and collected agave leaves. (More prompts and info about my agave plant experiences in my Indestructible Beauty course starting next Monday Oct 10th, link and info below!)

After almost10 years of IST, I still found myself continually stuck in a loop with a part of me that would respond with "niceness." I would give my power away to other people I felt had more expertise, more money, or more power. Around 2015 is when I found one of the most helpful websites and books I have read by Pete Walker, MA, MFT. He explains in great detail about Complex-PTSD and emotional flashbacks and triggers. I had heard of Fight or Flight and Freeze as emotional trauma responses, but I had never heard about the 4Fs which includes Fawning! Here is his helpful descriptions of the 4Fs. It helped me first discover that there was hope and a solution to my inner turmoil. I was not the problem, my fawning response and my unidentified emotional flashbacks (that could be triggered by my own thinking patterns) and my inner critic was the issue to work on!

A fourth type of triggered response can be seen in many codependents. (Codependency is defined here as the inability to express rights, needs and boundaries in relationship; it is a disorder of assertiveness that causes the individual to attract and accept exploitation, abuse and/or neglect.) I have named it the fawn response...the fourth ‘f’ in the fight/flight/ freeze/fawn repertoire of instinctive responses to trauma. Fawn, according to Webster’s, means: “to act servilely; cringe and flatter”, and I believe it is this response that is at the core of many codependents’ behavior.

The journey continues and most recently, these past few days, I have been overcome with anger. I know anger is a secondary emotion that typically hides deep hurt or sadness. It is not easy or comfortable to learn (imperfectly) how to hold, feel and channel/release my inner rage. If I take out the judgement of what anger is, it is pure fire and intensity that can be used as fuel. Since Saturday I have been activated by an old family wound of mine. Partially related to my mom's unexpected death. For those of you that do not know, my dear mother died suddenly last February. This curve ball has brought so many opportunities for growth and expansion. Ouch. Pain again is my potent teacher. Luckily I have listen the Death the Great Journey KT over 20x which has soothed and helped me understand the fullness of death and the unraveling after we depart.

One of Pete Walker's suggested tool called Angering has offered support along with the self-knowledge I have gained from NVC (Non-Violent Communication.) NVC offers tools of communication for me to be able show up more kindly and authentically in the world.

Pete Walker's tool of Angering helps deconstruct repetition compulsion. Until the survivor reconnects with his instinctual anger about the abusive and neglectful behaviors that he was forbade to complain about, he risks blindly accepting others’ reenactments of these behaviors.

Angering is the grieving technique of aggressively complaining about current or past losses and injustices. Survivors need to anger - sometime rage - about the intimidation, humiliation or neglect that was passed off to them as nurturance in their childhoods. As they become adept at grieving, they anger out their healthy resentment at their family’s pervasive lack of safety – at the ten thousand betrayals of no-one-to-go-to for guidance or protection, no one to appeal to for fairness or appreciative recognition of their developmental achievements. Excerpt from: Grieving and Complex PTSD

I will end here for now. I could keep writing about the many layers and nuances of my healing journey. I would love to hear any thoughts from you about this material. What are you creating, making, doing, reflecting, reading, writing, watching that helps you transform your pain into a gift... your rage into beauty? Please send me an email and share. I want to hear from you. Now is the time to communicate and support each other.

Please forward to anyone you feel might resonate with this content.

xx Carrie Mae

9 week (online) course* with Carrie Mae Rose

October 10th - December 5th 2022

Email me or sign up on the website for more info.

*DEADLINE FOR SIGN-UP is this Friday OCT 7th at midnight PST :)

SKYSISTER is an online shop I am building to share curated content of women creators.

Lately I am creating daily/weekly drawings with the new AI tool DALL.E. I am making them into Giclée Art Prints and NFTs.

I am practicing the new art of *prompt engineering* by creating digital images of ladies with a few of my favorite things..

Please contact me if you are interested in prints, DALL.E coaching or collaborations!

Synchronicity Section!

In my first newsletter I mentioned that Tulip and I are contemplating fully committing to a phase of migratory Van Life and I asked that if anyone hears of any contests, sponsorship or has leads on a great deal for a 4WD Sprinter or Nissan Van, pls email! This past Thursday I was emailed this notice below to ask what dreams YES THEORY and their brand Seek Discomfort could support. I submitted this 1.5min video to them that they requested as part of the application! Fingers crossed that they will pick my project to support and fund :) Please forward anything else you hear of that might be an option!




FOR FIRST TIME READERS

3 things I am engaging and creating to TRANSFORM MY RAGE INTO BEAUTY:

1 >> Re-visiting my 2008-2015 project Wearable Weapons that I created pre #metoo. I am evolving Wearable Weapons into a project that helps create tools of reclamation through an integration of sourcing the collective voice and wisdom - my fine art sculptures and wearables, other artists work, a compilation of survivor stories, visionary consultants, and leaders in the fields of sexual health, education and radical self-love.

2 >> Teaching my second Indestructible Beauty course to a small group of women online. We will explore creativity as a spiritual practice. This course is to help you find and listen to your inner creative whisper. We each have a quiet voice inside, an intuitive flow, to tap into to create with. This course is currently only offered for women-identified humans. Each week there will be a short slideshow presentation of art works followed by an experiential activity. We will engage in discussions and Q&As. There will be some readings and creative tasks to complete between the times we meet, plus a final project (writing, spoken word, visual art, or movement.)

3 >> A year of consistent newsletters ( 2x a month - aiming for every other week! ) to my friends, family and colleagues. Each newsletter will have a theme starting with the letter S. Here are my S topics below.

PREVIOUS NEWSLETTER: 01 SANITY (current location for now :)

FUTURE TOPICS (in a random order): SILENCE | SEXUALITY | SOBRIETY | SAMUEL SAGAN | SUN | SAFETY | SOLAR SPECIES | SELF-SUPPORTING | SCULPTURE | SOLITUDE | SUGAR | SOLVENCY | STRENGTH | SPRINGS | SERVICE | SELF | SEVEN | SHADOW | SACRED | SILLY | SOAR | SEEKING | SITTING | SAMSKARA | SPIRIT | SURRENDER | SOVEREIGNTY | STEINER, RUDOLF | SCOVEL SHINN, FLORENCE | STEINEM, GLORIA | SHAME | SEDONA | SHAMANISM | SCISSORS | SUGAR DADDY | SANGUINE | SOPHIA | SKY SISTER | STRUCTURE | SEDNA *if you have an S theme to suggest, pls email!




You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Excerpt from Desiderata by Max Ehrmann 1927